In a world that is constantly trying to tell us who we should be and how we should behave, it can be easy to lose sight of what it means to be truly feminine. We are bombarded with messages that tell us we need to be strong, independent, and assertive—all qualities that are important, but they are not the only qualities that make us women. There is nothing wrong with being soft, nurturing, and compassionate. These are also important qualities that make us who we are. So, if you’re ready to embrace your femininity, here are 8 things you need to unlearn.
1. Ignoring your own boundaries to please others.
Remember: you can’t pour from an empty cup! You’ve gotta take care of yourself and your fam first. Set boundaries, say no when you need to, and protect your energy and sanity.
So my number one thing to stop doing if you want to embrace your femininity, is ignoring your own boundaries to please others. It’s so important that as women we learn that we need to take care of ourselves and our families first and foremost first and foremost. That means setting boundaries with others and saying no when you need to. An example of this is my grandmother. She is a wonderful woman, but she’s definitely one of those people that will give and give and give and give sometimes at the expense of her family. She’s just a very Christian woman, always wanted to help people, and that set an example for me in two ways. It’s important that we serve others, but it’s also important that we set boundaries as we’re doing that so that we don’t go from being Christian and giving to being a people pleaser. Which is definitely not what’s intended in the true spirit of giving and femininity!
2. Making yourself smaller to fit into social situations
Remember this: You are just right as you are! Imagine how dull it would be if we were all cookie-cutter versions of each other. Embrace your unique personality, mind, heart, voice, and humor. Be unapologetically YOU! 💖
The next thing is, we need to stop making ourselves smaller to fit into social situations. You are not too much. You’re exactly as much as you need to be. There’s definitely important things like manners and consideration of others and how we interact in society. But the habit as women to make ourselves smaller, to not be seen, isn’t a trait of true femininity.
I feel like there’s feminine confidence and there’s feminine fear and making ourselves smaller, reducing our boundaries to please people, comes from feminine fear and not feminine confidence. We want that confidence instead! That’s what’s truly powerful. I want you to picture a matriarch, perhaps a sweet but firm grandmotherly figure, leading and directing her family and desendants. You have to be able to be confident to be able to do all of those things. You know, a lot of these older women finally find peace and confidence in who they are later in life. You see a lot of those worries of their younger selves (like the ones in this post) fade away. That’s the energy we need to embrace.
3. Pretending like you’re fine instead of asking for support
Remember this: it’s totally fine not to be okay sometimes! Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness—it just means you’re human. We all need a helping hand every now and then, so don’t hesitate to reach out when you need it. 💖
Next is that we need to stop pretending like we’re fine instead of asking for support. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen even in my relationships and friendships, disagreements or discontent come from-not my needs needs being unmet purposfully by others. Instead, It’s almost always because I am trying so hard, and I’m so good at pretending like I’m fine. Instead of asking for support when I need it, I used to wait until I’m completely overwhelmed, completely stressed out, completely burnt out. And then its an emergency by the time I finally open up, and I’m crying and upset. And if I had just been in my true feminine energy and asked for what I needed, then that would have been such a different story.
Because pretending like you’re fine comes from the feminine fear that if you ask for what you need, someone won’t want to give that to you. Asking for support comes from feminine confidence that the people that you love-and that love you-want to meet your needs if they can. When you ask with confidence and a peaceful, trusting, heart for the support that you need BEFORE it gets to the point where your in emergency mode- it boosts relationships, it doesn’t hurt them.
You’re not a burden when you ask for what you need. You’re an asset. You’re setting your relationships, and those you love, up to win! You’re protecting your relationships by asking for support, instead of letting it get to a point where it becomes a place of contention. Picture a little girl who will ask her dad or mom with complete and utter confidence that her parents want to love and help her. That’s the kind of energy to bring.
4. Believing your self-worth depends on your productivity
Remember this: You are so much more than your to-do list! Your value isn’t determined by how much you get done in a day, a week, or even a year. 💖
The next thing that we need to stop doing in order to truly embrace our femininity, is we need to stop believing that our self worth depends on our productivity. You are not your productivity levels. Your worth as a human being is not measured by how much you accomplish in a day, a week or a year. You are worthy simply because you exist.
I don’t know about you, but I have these like enormous expectations of myself. I have this dream girl in my head, the ultimate feminine homemaker woman that I want to be. I grew up in a household where productivity was #1. When I start ranting and stressing about the things I didn’t get done in a day, my husband looks me in the eye and tells me something that changed my world the first time i heard it. He tells me…
“I’m not with you because of all the things that you do. It’s not about how productive or accomplished you are. It’s not the things that you do that measure your worth for me, it’s that you as a person are genuinely someone that I love, and love to be around. If that’s all that happens in a day, is that we get to be around each other and love each other. That’s what I’m here for.”
Life changing right? We are not the tasks that we accomplish. Going back to the feminine fear versus feminine confidence, Feminine fear says that we have to be productive to earn love. Feminine confidence says that we are inherently worthy love, and what we do comes FROM that love-not from the desire to earn it. The good we put out into the world multiplies when we do it because we’re already feeling good. We’re already confident who we are, we’re already loved. Instead of coming from the energy of trying to deserve love.
5. Sacrificing your voice/beliefs to avoid conflict
Conflict is totally normal and part of life, so don’t stress. It’s okay to disagree with others sometimes. True femininity doesn’t mean compromising your beliefs just to keep things smooth. Instead it means standing in what you believe and speaking your truth with kindness, even if it means shaking things up a little.
All right, number five is that we need to stop sacrificing our voices and beliefs to avoid conflict. Conflict is a natural part of life. It’s impossible to avoid it entirely. And that’s okay. It’s completely healthy to disagree with others. From time to time. What’s not healthy is sacrificing your own beliefs and values in order to keep the peace.
Now absolutely there’s something to be said for picking your battles. However, it’s important to not completely silence ourselves in an effort to keep the peace. Something else that my husband had to teach me when we were dating, is that it’s completely normal and okay to have disagreements and it doesn’t mean something’s wrong. It doesn’t mean we’re not going to be okay. It doesn’t mean that anything bad has happened. It doesn’t mean I’m gonna get punished or be less loved the next day. (I grew up an eldest daughter, can you tell? ;P ) He taught me that it’s completely normal and that he genuinly wants to hear my opinion and my views on things because he wants ME not just peace all the time. He wants my heart, not a completely uncomplicated or convenient life, like I think as women we tell ourselves to create. That’s not what it’s about.
Feminine fear says that if we make waves, we can’t be loved. Feminine confidence says that the values that we have matter. Who we are matters. There can be power and standing up for what you believe in. There are going to be times when it’s important to say what needs to be said. And it doesn’t have to be done rudely. A lot of times when we think about conflict, we think of aggression. But aggression, and standing up for our beliefs, are not necessarily the same thing. There’s 100% ways to do that in a feminine way.
My favorite is to first express the positive, then talk about something that needs to be changed/stand up for something that’s not okay/treatment that you don’t like, and then state a positive again. So that reinforces the good things you want to see more of as well as the problem that you’re experiencing.
6. Not celebrating your accomplishments because others have better ones.
Don’t let comparison steal your joy! Your achievements are totally awesome and just as important as anyone else’s. Never belittle your successes just because they might seem small next to someone else’s. They’re major wins for you and deserve to celebrate them! 💖
Number six is that we need to stop not celebrating our accomplishments because others have better ones. Comparison is the thief of joy. Your accomplishments are just as valid as anyone elses so it’s important to celebrate them.
Another point to make here is don’t not celebrate your accomplishments because you’re trying to be humble. Obviously, we don’t need to go off telling everyone everything that we achieved in a way that makes people feel crappy, that is feeding into comparison but turning it on someone else. We absolutely can say, “You know what, I did this this week, and I’m really proud of it” or “this happened and it really meant a lot to me and I’m really excited about it.” It’s 100% important to celebrate our accomplishments. Plus, it gives others permission to do the same!
7. Seeking external validation over self-assurance.
Remember this: Your worthiness doesn’t depend on anyone else—it comes from YOU! You don’t need anyone’s stamp of approval to live your best life—you just need YOUR own approval! 💖
Number seven is that we need to stop seeking external validation over self assurance. Now, here’s the thing with that, feminine fear says “I’m not enough unless other people say I am” Feminine confidence says “I am enough, period.” There’s nothing else to it. When we realize that we are enough, and we start living to our own standards and validation, it makes such a big difference. It means we’re living our most authentic self. We’re not living someone else’s life, so the people we attract into our lives are the people that will actually vibe with us. We want to attract relationships with others who actually want to be a part of we are as a person. NOT who we’re pretending to be.
8. Distancing from hard feelings instead of processing.
Remember this: pushing down our feelings won’t make them disappear – they’ll come back to haunt us sooner or later (and usually not in a good way!). It’s way healthier to tackle our emotions head-on so we can deal with them and bounce back! 💖
Now, the eighth and final one is that we need to stop distancing ourselves from hard feelings instead of processing. Denying, or numbing ,our emotions does not make them go away. They will always always, always find a way to surface eventually, and often in less than ideal ways.
This is something that I’m terrible about, and always have been. In fact, it got to a point where sometimes I don’t consciously know why I’m feeling a certain way. I’ll tell my husband. “I’m feeling sad, but I don’t know why.” And he’s always like “You know why. It’s okay to talk to me about it.” I’ll get to talking a little bit and finally after a minute or two, I’ll actually realize what it is that’s bothering me. Where it’s coming from. Then I can process it, and let it go!
Before him. I would kind of shut down a little bit and not know what to do. I get uncomfortable in these feelings, try to ignore them and be my positive bubbly self, and sometimes it lasts for days. I bury it, and then I cry over spilt orange juice or something.
There’s lots of stories of me growing up as a child to where it actually became a thing where my family would say “oh is this the orange juice?” It comes from a moment in my childhood where I was going through some really difficult times in school and in dance, but I was putting on such a good face acting like none of it bothered me. And then one day, some orange juice spilled and I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and SOBBED like it was the end of the world. My mom knew right away I wasn’t truly crying about orange juice. And that’s one of the things that happens, your emotions will always come out. So it’s better to just process them in the moment so you can move on and claim the joy in your life.
Those are the 8 things we need to STOP doing to be truly feminine!
If you’re ready to embrace your femininity, these 8 things are a great place to start! Unlearning some of the harmful messages we receive about being women will allow us to tap into our true femininity and power! I’ll see you next time!